So, I hurt my shoulder….see attached XRAY. I sent out an email to several people (sorry if I missed you…I was doped up on drugs) with a call for story submissions as to how I hurt my shoulder. The winning story would win a beer courtesy of me.
So I have included some of my favorite stories … not all… but some of the better ones.
Not safe for children, or overly sensitive readers.
Johnny wins the beer - for pulling the most laughs out of me.
But I do have to give credit to a few people:
Adrienne (for being the quickest to reply)…
Barb (for submitting a picture with the story)
Celebrim (for generating the most stories).
Jake “DK” (for generating the story closest to the truth)
Kristine (for packing the most horribly fun puns into the longest submission)
Nesskimo (for calling on other people to help generate a story)
(yes…I alphabetized, because I am a dork.)
Before the stories….I have to ask…
Do I appear to be overly prone to violent animal attacks?…virtually all submissions involved me being injured by a monkey or a bear.
FIRST THE STORIES …. Then the Science
Winning submission:
You see, this is how it happened. You were thinking of an old friend, one you haven't seen in a really long time, the type of friend that you say you'll meet up with, or call, or send out some long e-mail to, but don't, and years and years and years go by, and you have children, and get "real" jobs, and you can't feel the insides of your thighs anymore, and you run into them at the bus stop one day on your way to the dog groomers, which is so cleverly named "muttley crue", with the little umlauts over the U's, which you tell your friend all about, and you both think is the cutest fucking thing you've ever heard, so you try and make plans, but you don't seem to have the same time off schedule but you make plans with them anyway, and you kinda regret not keeping in touch with them all this time but you're also glad that you made the effort this time around, and you know that this will be different, that you'll keep in touch and call every night before you go to bed, and you do, and like years past you realize that you're falling deeply in love with this friend, and you can't possible live without them, and one night you call out their name while you're having sex with your girlfriend, which is weird, but weirder because you've never called out a man's name before, but before you can explain your girlfriend is totally turned on by it, and now you really don't know what to think, cause you knew your girlfriend experimented a little in college, which was one of the reasons you fell in love with her in the first place, but this was different because you really LOVE your friend, and don't want to degrade the quality of your friendship by making everything awkward, but at the same time you know you'll be awkward whether you tell your friend about your girlfriend getting off on the idea of two grown men dressed as Popeye and Brutus playing hide the sausage or not, so you do, and the three of you buy a house together with the money your crazy rich uncle left you when he died last year during a production of Henry VIII, which he was not a cast member of, but an audience member who was literally bored to death, which led to a really awkward second act, and the three of you carry on a beautiful kind of relationship without anyone ever knowing about it, for years and years even, and you're happy for the first time in your life, really truly happy, the kind of happy that the guy who first wrote "happily ever after" was talking about, and you never want any of your fairy tail life to end, but then... you're mauled by a bear.
How do you like them apples?!
(enclosed pic of the bear assailant)
Other short submissions:
The injury was the result of an imprudently overeager response to this statement: All those in favor, raise their hand: "I don't give a damn about hit records or crazy dance moves. The world is a better place with one less child molester."
"Moose, stop trying to catch I-beams on your shoulder!"
"Moose, I told you not to take that bet. That bear had to weight at least 400 lbs."
"I don't know, but I get the feeling it involves a can of whipped cream, an out of work circus controtionist, and a troop of boy scouts."
"Bananas Gorilla, that was really naughty!"
"Moose, don't tease balding old men in orange robes that have an unusual stillness about them."
"The next time you want to pull that stunt where you balance a spoon on your forehead, don't do it while driving."
Sciency stuff below
Animation of what happened
More information on what happened…I have a grade three separation.
http://www.eorthopod.com/
Hmm…I wonder if I should do surgery
The treatment of grade three AC separations is somewhat controversial. Many studies show no difference whether a person is treated with surgery or conservative treatment. Even with surgery, a bump may still be present where the separation occurred. And a significant portion of people who undergo surgery will need another operation later.
Several studies have looked at what happens to the AC joint after this injury. It appears that many people, whether they had the joint repaired surgically or not, will need an operation at some time in the future. The injured joint degenerates faster than normal. Over time it becomes arthritic and painful. This process may take years to develop, but sometimes it happens within one or two years.
