HOW TO: How to form a cult in five easy steps

Step one:

Find someone to lead the cult.

I know that this seems like an easy one. But look at some of our famed cult leaders of the past century.

L. Ron Hubbard (Scientology)

You got to have a friendly smile

Jim Jones

With a haircut like that, it is easy to transform his congregation into a cult. Then he convinced Guyana to give him land in a south American jungle. After getting all his followers there, he convinced around 900 of them to commit suicide (by drinking poisoned Flavor-Aid), for the cult. Because he does it with a magnificent hair cut, people follow his command.

David Koresh

Hell, hes got a friendly smile, nice hair, and kickass glasses.

After failing to steal the Branch Davidian Seventh-Day Adventist religious cult from the former cult leaders son, he broke off into his own cult.

"Hey, can't steal a cult, Ill just steal some of the cult members."

Later on he went back to have a good old fashioned gun-slinging ho-down. He won the cult back and became their leader. This occurred shortly before he changed his name from Vernon Howell to David Koresh. (If you are going to run a religious cult, you should have some sort of Biblical name. I mean, he thought he was the Messiah afterall)

There are many other great cult leaders, and while looks goes along way, there are other traits. A cult leader must have the supreme authority on all decisions even if they have questionable history of education. Your leader should not be questioned, and should have unconditional trust from your followers. This helps him (almost always him) get laid more by cultees and use the cultees money for his overzealous promises, provided he is not subverted by all the evil forces attempting to crush the cult.

If you exemplify all these traits, great!! Be the Cult leader, but remember, always talk in an all-knowing wise voice. Never ever ever waver on a decision, it shows weakness.

Does Charles Manson look weak?

He never ever ever wavered on a decision.

Now that you have a leader, What now?

Step two:

Find something to worship.

All sorts of things are worshipped. Often times the Cult Leader is worshipped because the cultees think that the leader is the messiah, or something.

Golden Cows work, but they are just so passé.

While this looks tempting, I believe that Jon Stewarts Cult is already worshipping Captain Crunch. (Read "Naked Pictures of Famous People" by Jon Stewart for more info on that).

While oil can be a lucrative thing to worship.I am pretty sure that that particular cult already exists. See also US Government

Whatever you choose to worship, lets make it creative.

Step three:

Give up something.

Meat won't do, that cult exists. Its called vegetarianism. Im sure you have heard of it.

Oh and the flip side, giving up the vegetables. Talk to Dr. Atkins, he started a cult with that idea. Check out this follower of the Atkins cult.

Typically the cultees will give up whatever you ask of them, even their virginity if you have a good smile, a good haircut, and kickass glasses. If you are the leader, you dont have to give up anything, just make sure that your followers give up everything. This makes them more dependent on you. This is a good thing, because it helps maintain your messiah-like nature. You have access to everything they could want, and they will give more up to you to get something in return.

But don't be greedy. That is a way to lose followers. Suffer a little with them. For example, sleep with only six people a day. You could have all you want, but limit yourself to coexist with them on the same playing field.

Be sure to point out everything you give up for the cause, and try to hide everything that you are getting from the people. Reward mistresses, but make sure they keep their mouths shut. If the mistresses speak, jealousy ensues. Total failure because you wanted to get laid.

Step four:

Change your attire, so all cult attendees can match

You must strip individuals of their identity. Keep reminding them that they are part of a collective whole, a whole that works to deify the leader and the object of worship. It will not work if everyone is functioning on a different level. Everyone must look the same.

Hey these guys are still around, and look at their fancy matching outfits.

Step five:

Protect your cult at all costsat least until you commit suicide.

Guns work well.

So do Booby Traps

While these are tantalizing, they hardly pose any threat. Try some ground explosives and snares. Plant them all over your compound (cause you gotta have a compound). This keeps unwanted people out, and your cultees in.

So Lets Recap

Step One: Find someone to lead the cult

Step Two: Find something to worship

Step Three: Give up something

Step Four: Change your attire, so all cult attendees can match

Step Five: Protect your cult at all costsat least until you commit suicide.

Fairly simple.

I expect to see cults popping up all over the place now.

If you feel there is anything that I overlooked, I apologize, I am busy launching surface-to-air missiles from my compound. And I am sorry that I have to cut this short, one of my cultees is wanting some "spiritual enlightenment."

Good Luck, and godspeed.

Photoblog: I did not

Yay!!! Photoblog

This is an excerpt from a letter I wrote a friend this week.
Thought it would be fun to turn it into a photoblog.


I did not fight a dinosaur this week. I did last week. One escaped from our local dino-zoo last week. It was a pterodactyl. Ferocious little bitch was flying around pioneer square wreaking havoc.




I loaded up my childhood super-soaker gun with Portlands finest Aveda lotions.





After hosing it down, its reptilian skin shrunk to a soft silky smooth skin. In fact, the whole pterodactyl shrunk to the size of a small pigeon. So I donned my tie-dyed scarf,



and tighty-whiteys,




grabbed my butterfly net



and frolicked downtown until I caught the now-not-so-ferocious little bitch.



I did not fight a dinosaur this week, because my re-supply of Aveda lotions has not arrived yet. Currently a brachiosaurus is lounging about in the pearl district.



But as soon as Aveda pulls through, vengeance is mine, and I will strike down with great vengeance and furious anger those that have attempted to poison my city.

I did not eat a cent of food. Currency tastes bad.
Dont Ask, Dont Tell.



I did not steal a car. I learned my lesson last time. Despite telling the officer I NEEDED the car, to transport minors across state lines,



pick up 50 kilos of china white,

..

and help some coworkers out of Mexico,



he didnt empathize for me. Oh well, the lawyer got the case dropped on a technicality.

I did not vote this week. Not that I wouldnt. Its just that there were no elections. .Oh wait, I did vote. I voted to dispose of the body in the woods, not down by the river. This mafia business can get so political at times.







At least Big E Mancino is no longer a problem.

I did not shave my legs this week. Come to think of it, I have never shaved my legs. I think my knee caps are afraid of sharp objects.



They are also afraid of baseball bats, hence all the hoopla with Big E Mancino.



I did not press the little red button that fires nuclear warheads at random political enemies of the U.S.



Not because I didnt want to, but because they have denied me access to the little red button ever since I started taking orders from the little blue gnome.

Apparently the government thinks its a sign of my instability. I think it is a sign of how in touch with reality I am. Gnomes are real, how else would we know of their existence if the werent real.



I did not count to one billion. Instead, I calculated how long it would take if I said one number every half second.



Too long. Fifteen years, three hundred-twelve days, fifty three minutes and twenty seconds.



Note to self (and all parties concerned): Never waste your time counting to one billion. In fact, dont bother trying to calculate how long it would take. Side not: If you factored in leap years, it would be between 308-309 days, instead of 312 days, pending on the year you started. Krikey! I have too much time on my hands.

I did not perform open heart surgery on anyone this week.



Well, at least no one is aware of the fact that I did. Its amazing what can be done with a canister of Ether,




and a propensity to ignore the technicality of medical consenting paperwork. Lets just say, today someone, somewhere may be better off. May being the operative word here. Of course, they are questioning the stitches across their chest.


Until next photo blog..

Cheerio,
Roger