4th of July, 2009

First I am going to move out to the suburbs. Don't worry, I can continue to commute to downtown in my new 6 Gallons to the Mile H3 Hummer, painted freedom red.

For breakfast I will lounge on the couch (and watch Nascar) while I eat cheeseburgers and oscar meyer wieners that I grilled on my backyard bbq, fueled by my passion for democracy.

In the afternoon I am going to bake an apple pie with mom and I am going to serve it with vanilla ice cream. Don't worry, I won't forget the red white and blue sprinkles.

I'm gonna light some shiv on fire...and I'm gonna make things go boom, while I get overly drunk and scream loving statements to the united states. Don't worry, I intend to only enjoy Pabst Blue Ribbon, Coors Light, Bud Light, and Milwaukees best...because their cans are red white and blue.

Once I am good and drunk, I plan to run around naked in the streets with the words "freedom of speech" written across my ass.

I'm going to commission 10,000 migrant workers to sing "America, the Beautiful" to promote a sense of pride in them. And when they hit the final note I will grant them all citizenship to our fine nation. I will then proceed to move these workers from low paying menial jobs into top tier jobs, showing the world that in the US, anyone can pull themselves up by their bootstraps....with a little hard work (and an audition to American Idol).

I'm going to provide boots for the bootless. (Boots WILL come equipped with straps)

I'm going to support our troops. Free Bras and Belts for any stationed soldier.

I am going to erect a full sized Macaroni and Cheese Statue of Liberty, held together with nothing but pure faith in my presidents ability to lead our country in these trying times (and some dental floss).

And I'm gonna do it all while humming "Fifty Nifty United States from 13 original colonies"



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But no, not any out of the ordinary plans.
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PS, I have already commissioned 12 Cargo Planes from 12 States to visit 12 Islamic countries. They should be dropping Christian-Democracy Propaganda anytime now. What good is the fourth of July without a little ethical imperialism?