Photoblog: I did not

Yay!!! Photoblog

This is an excerpt from a letter I wrote a friend this week.
Thought it would be fun to turn it into a photoblog.


I did not fight a dinosaur this week. I did last week. One escaped from our local dino-zoo last week. It was a pterodactyl. Ferocious little bitch was flying around pioneer square wreaking havoc.




I loaded up my childhood super-soaker gun with Portlands finest Aveda lotions.





After hosing it down, its reptilian skin shrunk to a soft silky smooth skin. In fact, the whole pterodactyl shrunk to the size of a small pigeon. So I donned my tie-dyed scarf,



and tighty-whiteys,




grabbed my butterfly net



and frolicked downtown until I caught the now-not-so-ferocious little bitch.



I did not fight a dinosaur this week, because my re-supply of Aveda lotions has not arrived yet. Currently a brachiosaurus is lounging about in the pearl district.



But as soon as Aveda pulls through, vengeance is mine, and I will strike down with great vengeance and furious anger those that have attempted to poison my city.

I did not eat a cent of food. Currency tastes bad.
Dont Ask, Dont Tell.



I did not steal a car. I learned my lesson last time. Despite telling the officer I NEEDED the car, to transport minors across state lines,



pick up 50 kilos of china white,

..

and help some coworkers out of Mexico,



he didnt empathize for me. Oh well, the lawyer got the case dropped on a technicality.

I did not vote this week. Not that I wouldnt. Its just that there were no elections. .Oh wait, I did vote. I voted to dispose of the body in the woods, not down by the river. This mafia business can get so political at times.







At least Big E Mancino is no longer a problem.

I did not shave my legs this week. Come to think of it, I have never shaved my legs. I think my knee caps are afraid of sharp objects.



They are also afraid of baseball bats, hence all the hoopla with Big E Mancino.



I did not press the little red button that fires nuclear warheads at random political enemies of the U.S.



Not because I didnt want to, but because they have denied me access to the little red button ever since I started taking orders from the little blue gnome.

Apparently the government thinks its a sign of my instability. I think it is a sign of how in touch with reality I am. Gnomes are real, how else would we know of their existence if the werent real.



I did not count to one billion. Instead, I calculated how long it would take if I said one number every half second.



Too long. Fifteen years, three hundred-twelve days, fifty three minutes and twenty seconds.



Note to self (and all parties concerned): Never waste your time counting to one billion. In fact, dont bother trying to calculate how long it would take. Side not: If you factored in leap years, it would be between 308-309 days, instead of 312 days, pending on the year you started. Krikey! I have too much time on my hands.

I did not perform open heart surgery on anyone this week.



Well, at least no one is aware of the fact that I did. Its amazing what can be done with a canister of Ether,




and a propensity to ignore the technicality of medical consenting paperwork. Lets just say, today someone, somewhere may be better off. May being the operative word here. Of course, they are questioning the stitches across their chest.


Until next photo blog..

Cheerio,
Roger